Deep Breath and a Leap of Faith

Is it possible to feel like you don't belong? Not just in one spot but in life in general. I've tried my entire life to fit in. I wanted to fit in with others in school and then as an adult. I desire community and longing to belong. This last year has shaken me to my core. As my family and I left California for a grand adventure to Tennessee, my core as I knew it crumbled. Everything that I defined myself as, shattered. After 18 years of marriage my brother chose to divorce his wife. A mid-life crisis doesn't even come close to what is happening in his heart or to our family. Broken, torn and devastated is what was left as he walked away from his marriage. My family was falling apart in California as my immediate family and I were starting all over again. Everything I was, would never be the same again.  I was not ready for this part. I wasn't ready for the dream I had built up in my mind to come crashing down. I can could not physically be there for my parents or for m

Some say you win some and some say you loose some.. I haven't blogged in so many years. I always think about my blog but I seem to be too busy to write and journal on here. That seems to be the problem. Being too busy that is. I have been consumed by raising kids and being the perfect wife, perfect student at school(yeah that's new) and balancing all the other things I regrettably signed up for. My plate is full. Like, SUPER FULL! Thanksgiving day full!!! So full that I seem to be slipping at holding it all together. The balancing act is over and all the items I have been holding up in panic have fallen and shattered everywhere around me. This season in my life is one of the hardest ones I have had in a long time. I thought after a while, the stress and drama of life calms down. I think God gave me a break to be prepared for what was coming. As all the items shatter before me I fall apart myself. This is not easy for me. I am not sure if it's easy for anyone really. Hum

As this journey continues, I have decided that I wanted to buy the Bio mom to our foster babies a bible because well as a Christain I know it would help. When I decided that I was going to do this was mother's day and during this time was, well, let's just say a rough patch for the Bio mom and I. You know, we are still figuring out our relationship as well and our boundaries with each other(which can be REALLY awkward). So basically my heart was honestly in a bitter place for the Bio mom and I stopped praying for her(i know i know...wrong heart, but I am learning through all of this). I gradually came back to the soft place again and I am aware of how I need to handle things( not that I wont ever mess up again). So here I am again back where I began(i do that a lot). I was at visitation with the Bio mom last week and she asked about God and how she was seeking for help and she just needed direction. Every hair on my head stood up as if they all knew the answer and were raising

Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.   Psalm 82:3-4 So often in my busy day do I remind myself of this verse above. It's been almost a month since we got the twins. To say it's been hard is an understatement, but at the same time as I reflect on the past and it doesn't seem so difficult(if that makes since). I know that God has called us to help these girls and fight for their future, but actually living it out with 4 children 5 and under has been...interesting. I am finding out how to be a mom to my children and give them plenty of time and attention as well as the love and tenderness our twins need. You see, we do not know if we will have these children as our own. The bio mom wants them back and is doing everything to get them back. Before all this started Jason and I agreed that we would put our hopes and fears into Christ. It has been hard because y

So we have determined at the TDM that the twins will be going with us because we are a NREFM(non related extended family member). It basically means we are friends of the family and that we are the closest to the twins' family without actually being their family. It has been a load of stress of uncertainty if we are getting the babies in our custody or not. With the addition of two beautiful girls coming to our house, we also are going on vacation(just my husband and I cuz nana and paps have our other 2 kids) to St. Martin. I think even though it's an added stress to get everything done asap it's good because now we can relax and enjoy our time together before our lives are turned around with two blessings in addition to our own blessings. I was washing baby clothes and pretty much everything last night and putting it all away and it hit me that we are getting babies. Now our twins who we are fostering are only a month old. I have never had twins. I am a little nervous, b

"Every time we treat someone like they are ordinary we turn the wine back to water." -Bob Goff I have struggled with God's purpose in my life for many years now. I have wanted to be a surrogate, lead children and try and help out in a big way. I feel like just when I get going at something God shuts all the doors to the things I was pursuing. Honestly, it has been frustrating at the least and has lead me to believe that maybe God just wants simple things out of me..but I know that couldn't be true(aparently I don't take no for an answer..). I know that I am a mother and a wife, but my greatest roll is a daughter of God and that role above all else just didn't seem enough. I have prayed for many years about God using me in a big way and that I would be ready. I've had such a desire to help children. Surrogate, Birth Choice, children's ministry..I've always wanted to adopt, but my husband has always had a struggle with it. He didn't understand