I know you are able and I know you can...
Some say you win some and some say you loose some..
I haven't blogged in so many years. I always think about my blog but I seem to be too busy to write and journal on here. That seems to be the problem. Being too busy that is. I have been consumed by raising kids and being the perfect wife, perfect student at school(yeah that's new) and balancing all the other things I regrettably signed up for. My plate is full. Like, SUPER FULL! Thanksgiving day full!!! So full that I seem to be slipping at holding it all together. The balancing act is over and all the items I have been holding up in panic have fallen and shattered everywhere around me. This season in my life is one of the hardest ones I have had in a long time. I thought after a while, the stress and drama of life calms down. I think God gave me a break to be prepared for what was coming.
As all the items shatter before me I fall apart myself. This is not easy for me. I am not sure if it's easy for anyone really. Humbly I pick up each piece. As I start to clean up my own mess around me, I get cut and hurt by the sharp edges. My kingdom has fallen. I feel at times I could just die with sadness. My friends and family seem to try and get me to stand, but I feel like I have no reason to. Why? For what? Was this what the disciples felt after Jesus took His last breath? Did they crumble with fear and depression? Did they feel defeated? I believe the answer is YES!! They knew Jesus was the Son of God! That they were right and they were standing next to the righteous one. I bet they thought they would win over the world with Jesus' love and kindness...lets not forget His MIRACLES!!! This was a no brainer! Well, they probably also thought they wouldn't see Him again after He died either. Only in my darkest and saddest moments do I think I can come close to the feelings they felt that Good Friday and Saturday. Thank you God that there was SUNDAY!!!! Sunday was the day that the disciples probably danced and shouted for joy!! It was the greatest comeback story of all time!!!
Don't we all hope for a comeback story when we are treated wrongly? When that jerk takes our parking spot we waited for. When that bully at school hurts your child. How about when someone does you and your family really wrong? Yeah, I might be the only one, but I want to make it right. God has deeply put in me a purpose to help those who can not help themselves. I want justice. I want God to show up and super hero punch them away.... God is not a super hero though. He is so much more than that. A super hero reacts and God listens, waits and calls each of us deeper into a greater relationship with Him. GUUUUHHHH!!! BUT BUT BUT!!! They did wrong God!! Don't let them get away! They need to be punished God! Then God does something to bring me to my knees....
He shows me a mirror....
He says to me, why you and not them too?
THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT!
And as God always does, He waits for my heart to talk to my head.
DANG IT GOD!!! GO GET THEM!
God then reminds me that He died for them too.
When I stop fighting with God, then I am able to be more like Him. I take a deep breath and let God's peace overcome me. Sometimes I imagine God holding me like a child. I am crying in His arms and He hums a hyme in my ear. I want to hold onto the wrong doings of others and remind them of who they are. It's like holding a filing cabinet and if they ever do wrong again I can quickly go to that cabinet and remind them that they are wrong again. I can remind them of all their wrong doings. I feel power in holding them accountable for their actions. I am reminded by God that it is not how that works. These things that I hold onto only keeps ME weighed down. That it is not holding them back but ME. I can not be any greater than their sins. I must let go. It is so hard to let go. I scream out to God that this isn't right! I resist. I find myself never growing or moving from this point. I see the person who did me wrong going on with life, but I am still in this place with all the papers of their sins around me. God takes my hand and leads me away from that room to another room with isles of cabinets. I look into a cabinet and see my name at the top. This is MY room. I plead for God to take me back. I don't want to see this room. I couldn't have this many wrong doings. As my mind races through my past, I remember all the my sins that I forgot about because I asked for forgiveness. I let them go. I sink into the floor and fall at God's feet. The cabinets disappear and there is just God looking at me and with His nail pierced hands He lifts me up to my feet. I let go of the wrong doers sins and ask forgiveness. I am humbled.
You see, it's not about who is right and wrong, but who trusts God. I have trusted God so much in my past and in different aspects in my life I am all in with my trust for Him. This though has been the biggest thing to let go. I have clinched the sins of the person who has done me and my family wrong for years. I have kept every account of what they have done against us. Now, God wants me to FORGIVE THEM? You have got to be kidding me!? Nope... He wasn't. I have lost sleep, been extremely sick and could probably fill a lake with the tears I have cried over all this, but yet God calls me deeper. I believe that God does not want me to walk blindly into relationships with others. Forgiveness is letting go, not jumping back into a relationship with this person. I know that God will prevail even if I do not. It has been a hard lesson to learn over the years and I feel as though this season of my life has molded me in ways I never wanted. I know that God is the law and He makes the rules. My hope must be in Christ alone and that HE is my comeback story.
I haven't blogged in so many years. I always think about my blog but I seem to be too busy to write and journal on here. That seems to be the problem. Being too busy that is. I have been consumed by raising kids and being the perfect wife, perfect student at school(yeah that's new) and balancing all the other things I regrettably signed up for. My plate is full. Like, SUPER FULL! Thanksgiving day full!!! So full that I seem to be slipping at holding it all together. The balancing act is over and all the items I have been holding up in panic have fallen and shattered everywhere around me. This season in my life is one of the hardest ones I have had in a long time. I thought after a while, the stress and drama of life calms down. I think God gave me a break to be prepared for what was coming.
As all the items shatter before me I fall apart myself. This is not easy for me. I am not sure if it's easy for anyone really. Humbly I pick up each piece. As I start to clean up my own mess around me, I get cut and hurt by the sharp edges. My kingdom has fallen. I feel at times I could just die with sadness. My friends and family seem to try and get me to stand, but I feel like I have no reason to. Why? For what? Was this what the disciples felt after Jesus took His last breath? Did they crumble with fear and depression? Did they feel defeated? I believe the answer is YES!! They knew Jesus was the Son of God! That they were right and they were standing next to the righteous one. I bet they thought they would win over the world with Jesus' love and kindness...lets not forget His MIRACLES!!! This was a no brainer! Well, they probably also thought they wouldn't see Him again after He died either. Only in my darkest and saddest moments do I think I can come close to the feelings they felt that Good Friday and Saturday. Thank you God that there was SUNDAY!!!! Sunday was the day that the disciples probably danced and shouted for joy!! It was the greatest comeback story of all time!!!
Don't we all hope for a comeback story when we are treated wrongly? When that jerk takes our parking spot we waited for. When that bully at school hurts your child. How about when someone does you and your family really wrong? Yeah, I might be the only one, but I want to make it right. God has deeply put in me a purpose to help those who can not help themselves. I want justice. I want God to show up and super hero punch them away.... God is not a super hero though. He is so much more than that. A super hero reacts and God listens, waits and calls each of us deeper into a greater relationship with Him. GUUUUHHHH!!! BUT BUT BUT!!! They did wrong God!! Don't let them get away! They need to be punished God! Then God does something to bring me to my knees....
He shows me a mirror....
He says to me, why you and not them too?
THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT!
And as God always does, He waits for my heart to talk to my head.
DANG IT GOD!!! GO GET THEM!
God then reminds me that He died for them too.
When I stop fighting with God, then I am able to be more like Him. I take a deep breath and let God's peace overcome me. Sometimes I imagine God holding me like a child. I am crying in His arms and He hums a hyme in my ear. I want to hold onto the wrong doings of others and remind them of who they are. It's like holding a filing cabinet and if they ever do wrong again I can quickly go to that cabinet and remind them that they are wrong again. I can remind them of all their wrong doings. I feel power in holding them accountable for their actions. I am reminded by God that it is not how that works. These things that I hold onto only keeps ME weighed down. That it is not holding them back but ME. I can not be any greater than their sins. I must let go. It is so hard to let go. I scream out to God that this isn't right! I resist. I find myself never growing or moving from this point. I see the person who did me wrong going on with life, but I am still in this place with all the papers of their sins around me. God takes my hand and leads me away from that room to another room with isles of cabinets. I look into a cabinet and see my name at the top. This is MY room. I plead for God to take me back. I don't want to see this room. I couldn't have this many wrong doings. As my mind races through my past, I remember all the my sins that I forgot about because I asked for forgiveness. I let them go. I sink into the floor and fall at God's feet. The cabinets disappear and there is just God looking at me and with His nail pierced hands He lifts me up to my feet. I let go of the wrong doers sins and ask forgiveness. I am humbled.
You see, it's not about who is right and wrong, but who trusts God. I have trusted God so much in my past and in different aspects in my life I am all in with my trust for Him. This though has been the biggest thing to let go. I have clinched the sins of the person who has done me and my family wrong for years. I have kept every account of what they have done against us. Now, God wants me to FORGIVE THEM? You have got to be kidding me!? Nope... He wasn't. I have lost sleep, been extremely sick and could probably fill a lake with the tears I have cried over all this, but yet God calls me deeper. I believe that God does not want me to walk blindly into relationships with others. Forgiveness is letting go, not jumping back into a relationship with this person. I know that God will prevail even if I do not. It has been a hard lesson to learn over the years and I feel as though this season of my life has molded me in ways I never wanted. I know that God is the law and He makes the rules. My hope must be in Christ alone and that HE is my comeback story.
